perfectionlostx

so a year ago, my ex boyfriend bought me an apple tree:

2009-05-19T02:48:41Z

it was a birthday present, and probably the sweetest one at that.
until he broke up with me like two weeks later.
i blame his cold feet, player ways, and the fact that i was TOO good for him.
ha, its taken a years time to really be able to say that with confidence.

anyways, the tree just kinda sits in its original pot in the front yard.
it has long stopped budding leaves, and no matter how many times i hear that its going to start growing apples, I DONT BELIEVE IT.

AND LIKE THE RELATIONSHIP/FRIENDSHIP/PERSON THAT I NO LONGER CARE ABOUT, I ALSO NO LONGER CARE FOR THIS TREE.

i think ill make it into mulch or something :]

oh yah, this also marks my return to livejournal.

perfectionlostx @ 2008-05-22T23:13:00

2008-05-23T06:15:41Z

how do you know if youre in love?
because i know this feeling is unlike anything i have ever felt, but what is it?

perfectionlostx @ 2008-05-11T22:48:00

2008-05-12T05:49:01Z

i must say,
the side effects of medication,
are dreadful.

and thats all im going to say about that.

perfectionlostx @ 2008-04-21T00:17:00

2008-04-21T07:19:35Z

i cant even remember the last time i liked a boy like this;
and you know my dad only made my good feeling amazing,
telling me this is the only boy he has ever liked that i brought home.

no offense to you previous boys,
but you really dont even compare.

a public vow to change.

2008-03-30T18:37:39Z

i think this is the clearest depiction of how far ive swayed,
i found this written may 13, 2007;

i know theres a reason why God brings people into our lives.
and i truly believe that God put him in my life for a reason.
i cant help but think that he is here to teach me.
to show me.
to mold me.
i want to believe that i can do something.
i want to prove that i am strong.

and im sure he has no idea, but i admire him.
i admire him for so openly following God's plan for his life.
i admire him for obediently showing his love to Him.

im sure his life isnt as wonderful as i think it is.
im sure he has similar struggles.
but from this distance, im envious.
and im trying to get to that point.
more and more each day.

i havent reached that point, infact im miles behind it.
and im soo dead without it.

[im learning to trust you enough to take from you]

2008-02-19T08:54:08Z

i havent written here in a long time.

what has changed?
nothing.

because i always invest my interest in amazing boys that are not at the point in their lives to have committed relationships.

im always THAT girl that WOULD be perfect IF ONLY they had the time.

i hate it,
but i have it terribly bad for this one.

other than that, i love my family with everything that i am.
i only hope that one day i can truly appreciate them for everything that they are.

ill be here more, i promise.

perfectionlostx @ 2007-10-14T22:13:00

2007-10-15T05:15:20Z

how dearly she wants someone to love her.
for shes losing everything about herself that she once held so close and dear.
changing her ideals, changing the framework of the person she wishes to become.

sometimes i feel like my life is spinning out of control. and im not asking for your hand.. im asking for your heart.

perfectionlostx @ 2007-08-07T13:03:00

2007-08-07T20:04:02Z

were friends.
and it was a huge mistake.

and thats the last i will ever say about that.

perfectionlostx @ 2007-08-01T07:24:00

2007-08-01T14:25:31Z

it was a big deal to me.
and now its gone.

perfectionlostx @ 2007-07-27T03:10:00

2007-07-27T10:13:51Z

im tired;
&& i cant sleep.

my life is going well.
im keeping busy to avoid anything that may keep me back.

but ironically, ive reconnected with someone.
someone who use to push all my buttons in a dramatic way.
hahaha, who knows how he pushes them now.

im dreading august 5th :[

surrounded by Your glory what will my heart feel will i dance for you Jesus or in aweof you be still

2007-06-19T10:37:17Z

i just pray that God will keep my mom strong.
that He will give her and my aunts the strength to make a very hard decision tomorrow.

grandma, i miss you already.
and i love you so much.

my cousin sent me this in an email the other day.
its the last picture that i have of my grandma.

ive been really angry at a lot of things lately. ive been so selfish. and im sorry for that.

perfectionlostx @ 2007-06-01T00:21:00

2007-06-01T07:22:13Z

sometimes its easier to pretend like nothing ever happened.
but does that really make things any better?

i guess this is final.
no turning back.

we'll find a place, there isn't room for two of us.the minutes drag, then theres a world between us

2007-05-17T01:48:07Z

so ive spent the last couple days writing and rewriting exactly what i wanted to say. you see, everytime i wrote it down.. i worried that i would portray myself in a much more negative light.

because the last thing that i want is for people to ASSUME that something is wrong with me.
because the last think that i want is for people to ASSUME that i cant deal with anything on my own.

ive just been thinking a lot lately. thinking a lot about the person that i want to be. i feel like lately, ive made some mistakes. nothing harmful. nothing that i cant get past. its just that im worried that i could ruin the person that i want to become.

i think what it really comes down to is: i need to portray the wonderful devoted christian girl that i am on sundays, everyday of the week.

i had a really religious weekend.
friday: i went to see phil wickham with smalls. he was absolutely amazing.
saturday: i went to temecula with my sisters to see some amazing bands. seriously, there is definitely something about seeing your friend on stage worshiping God, that is so humbling.
sunday: i drove to church with andi and heard an amazing sermon; and i got to see a couple REALLY amazing people :]

so thats it. im really going to try to be better.

but basically, I LOVE LOVE LOVE EVERYONE THAT HAS KEPT MY HEAD UP HIGH :]

ALLY, YOU BITCH TOO MUCH!

2007-05-07T05:55:02Z

so my last entry was about how sad i was feeling about my birthday. i felt like all of my friends hated me and didnt want to spend time with me.

ohh how they fooled me.
my amazing family && amazing friends managed to throw me the most amazing surprise party ever :]

HAPPY ALLY DE MAYO 07!

yes, :]]

ride the dinosaur, bitch :]

im so thankful :]

perfectionlostx @ 2007-05-04T00:49:00

2007-05-04T07:49:18Z

whats worse? being let down by a friend or a stranger.

when you form an emotion based relationship with someone its only a matter of time before they will hurt you. its only a matter of time before they will tear you down. the relationship is doomed from the start. but at least you know that its coming.

a stranger is faceless but can leave just as much pain. you never know when hes going to strike. you wonder how someone so foreign could hurt you so much.

its like asking whats worse.. being trampled by elephants or hitting a brick wall at 80 miles per hour.
their both painful and death is inevitable.
it just depends on how you want to take it.

i really feel like ive been emotionally slapped in the face a lot these last couple weeks.
and its really starting to get to me.

everything I have to look forward to. has a pretty painful and very imposing before.

2007-05-02T07:06:29Z

ill just let you guess who this is.

boy (12:00:57 AM): well lets get married all ready then
PERFECTION lostx (12:01:21 AM): me and you married? you really think that would work out?
boy (12:01:31 AM): yea
boy (12:01:33 AM): i think so
boy (12:01:49 AM): im what u need
PERFECTION lostx (12:02:00 AM): how are you what i need?
boy (12:02:00 AM): im the missing link to ur heart
PERFECTION lostx (12:02:06 AM): oh wow.

yeah, maybe i should get married.
yeah, maybe i should get married on my 20th birthday!

boy (12:52:29 AM): from here on out just goodtimes
PERFECTION lostx (12:52:46 AM): hahaha
PERFECTION lostx (12:52:55 AM): a marriage isnt just good times
boy (12:53:44 AM): thats because not everyone gets to have me
PERFECTION lostx (12:53:57 AM): wow!

a year ago.

2007-04-27T08:26:35Z

i did this.
i think ive changed.
maybe you agree/disagree.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=anatomicALLY

either way, im curious.

perfectionlostx @ 2007-04-24T19:47:00

2007-04-25T02:47:47Z

the truth.
my feelings were hurt and i didnt much like it.
and i also didnt express it to the guilty party.

oh well.

ALSO, OLD BOY TOYS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HOLLA AT ME AGAIN.
SERIOUSLY, THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS AROUND MY BIRTHDAY.

I WOULDNT BE SURPRISED IF FRANK TRIED CONTACTING ME. HA.

youre just somebody that i use to know.

2007-04-16T04:34:19Z

in the last four and a half months,
ive changed my perspective on life more than a handful of times.

i cant say that im at the right place.
but everyday im getting one step closer.
though im still making many many mistakes.

at least im living.
hey, at least i respect myself.
and i can laugh about all of the things you arent.

insault to injury.

2007-02-22T05:58:26Z

i feel terrible. but i cant even look my sister in the eye. when she walks in the room, i want to leave. and if i hear her singing one more sappy love song again, i will snap;

i cant believe that she would make such a terrible decision. after a weekend, with more tears than this family should have to bare. i cried more than i should have. especially since it was all for nothing.

basically, she got back with her dumbass boyfriend, that i cant stand. even after she said she would make him work for her. she buckled and im angry; so angry.

im a cynic.
NO ACTUALLY, IM AN OLDER SISTER WHO HAD SEVERAL ASSHOLE BOYFRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL. TO THINK I ACTUALLY CONVINCED MYSELF TO BELIEVE THAT MY BOYFRIEND WASNT CHEATING ON, EVEN THOUGH ALL OF THE SIGNS WERE THERE... go figure.

and she makes all this fuss, let me be happy.
hey honey, dont let me stop you; my opinion doesnt matter anyways.

perfectionlostx @ 2007-01-24T01:16:00

2007-01-24T09:20:02Z

wheres my head?

lately;
im not quite sure.

ive been busy.
but i cant even think of anything i have done lately that has been right.

why am i down on myself?
when not even a half hour ago, i was complimented on how positive i am all the time.

okay, i lied.
everything is okay.
but my distrusting, over analytical other half always tries to ruin the silly happiness that i think that i feel every day.

damn, maybe i just need sleep.

classy.

2007-01-10T08:45:49Z

if its 12:45pm.
and its pretty obvious that im trying to do the whole sleep thing.
dont think that its cool to send me flirty text messages.
about needing me to keep you warm.
esp;; if you have a girlfriend.

boys are creeps.

[could someone please tell me the story of sinners ransomed from the fall]

2007-01-06T09:52:00Z

because we all know that i am way to lazy to actually post about absolutely everything that is going on with me.. but if there was one thing that you needed to know.

its that i am absolutely happy.

this is my smile.

christmas break has been pretty amazing.

im sure ill feel up to posting more pictures later.

actually, i doubt it :]

dskjghfskgksj.

2006-12-18T21:12:54Z

really, how can you tell me that you are still completely attracted to me and that i will always have a huge portion of your heart......WHEN YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

boys are lame.

no one reads livejournal anymore.
maybe thats why i am posting here.

perfectionlostx @ 2006-12-08T22:37:00

2006-12-09T06:37:18Z

i dont know what has been happening to me lately;
all that i know, is that right now;
in this moment;
i feel empty.

i try to be so tough.
i try to be so independent.

its a forgery.
im a fake.